A "How To" for Reconciliation

Reconciling with someone is to change their mind or renew your friendship with them after your sin has caused a rift in your relationship. It normally requires much more than a simple apology. If all you offer those you have wronged is a half-hearted “I’m sorry,” then you will most likely fail in your attempts, so how do you go about reconciling with those you have wronged?

Here I believe that the story of Abigail and David, which can be found in I Samuel 25, is immensely helpful. Even though Abigail is apologizing for her husband’s sin and not her own, she provides us with a wonderful, biblical example of how to reconcile with our enemies.

During the time David was on the run from King Saul, he and his men provided protection in the wilderness to the flocks of a man named Nabal. It was the custom in those days that when Nabal sheared his sheep he should throw a big feast and give some food to David and his men in gratitude for their service. But, when David’s men came to kindly request their share of the food Nabal insulted David and them and then sent them away empty-handed. David was enraged! He strapped on his sword and rode out with his men intent on killing Nabal and every man in his house. But before David could carry out his plan, one of Nabal’s servants told Nabal’s wife Abigail what had happened. Now Abigail was certainly Nabal’s better half. She was very wise, so she immediately saddled her donkey and loaded it down with provisions. Then she rode out to intercept David and his men.

As Abigail meets David, her speech of reconciliation gives us five steps we can follow to reconcile with our own enemies.

When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from the donkey and fell before David on her face and bowed to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, “On me alone, my lord, be the guilt. Please let your servant speak in your ears, and hear the words of your servant. 

I Samuel 25:23-24

• First, Abigail humbled herself. She knelt before David and called him "my lord." She called herself his "servant." Reconciling with someone requires humbling yourself before them. This is why reconciling is so hard for us. It’s a humbling experience that hurts our pride

• Second, notice that Abigail fully accepted the blame. It's hard to apologize if you won't admit you have done anything wrong.

Let not my lord regard this worthless fellow, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Fool is his name, [Nabal means fool] and folly is with him. But I your servant did not see the young men of my lord, whom you sent. 

I Samuel 25:25

• Third, Abigail validated his feelings. In essence she says “I understand why you're angry, and you have every right to feel this way.” It's hard to reconcile with someone until we understand and acknowledge all the ways our sin affected them. 

And now let this present that your servant has brought to my lord be given to the young men who follow my lord.

I Samuel 25:27

• Fourth, she made restitution. Abigail made it right. She generously provided food for David and his men. Whenever you can make up for how you wronged someone, no apology feels complete until you try to do so.

Please forgive the trespass of your servant.

I Samuel 25:28

• Only then did she ask for his forgiveness. The timing on this is important. It often does no good to ask someone to forgive you if you won’t follow these other steps first. If you don’t 1) Humble yourself, 2) Accept the Blame, 3) Validate their Feelings, and 4) Make Restitution then your apology feels hollow and meaningless.

Who do you need to reconcile with? Have you been trying to apologize to someone and haven't understood why they won't forgive you. Hopefully this helps! I leave you with the words of Romans 12:18- "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."