Your Marriage isn't About You

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:31-33

As I write this, my wife and I are celebrating our thirteenth wedding anniversary, and I can honestly say that I love her more today than I did thirteen years ago when we stood in that little church and said our vows. But every marriage has its moments. Moments when you argue with one another. Moments when you wonder if you are headed for divorce. Moments when you get so angry with your spouse that you consider doing the worst, most underhanded thing you can do in a marriage... going through the house and flipping all the toilet paper rolls so the paper comes off the wrong side of the roll and drives your spouse crazy. (Side note: if you didn't know there was a right way for the toilet paper to come off the roll, then you probably aren't married yet.) 

But in those moments when you feel angry and vindictive that your spouse isn't bending to your will, or fulfilling your every need, or doing what you want, remember what Scripture says in Ephesians 5. Your marriage isn't about you. It's about Jesus and His church. Marriage is a picture for all the world to see of Jesus' relationship to the church. Christ's relationship to His church is primary, and your marriage is secondary. 

That means that for Christians marriage is a sanctifying experience. You aren't supposed to bend your spouse to your will; you are supposed to help them conform into the image of Christ. Their job isn't to make you happy, but to live to make Christ happy. Marriage is about helping one another become what Jesus wants you to be. Sometimes that means helping your spouse see the sin in their lives. All the time that requires loving your spouse in spite of the sin in their lives. 

Your marriage has been designed by God to display the glories of Jesus' relationship with His bride the church. Your marriage should make people want to join the church. For that to happen, men must love their wives as they love themselves. Earlier in the chapter this point is made even stronger when men are admonished to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (v25). What man could ever live up to that standard? Wives are encouraged to respect their husbands, but again this is phrased more strongly earlier in the passage when we are told that "wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (v24). What wife could ever live up to that standard?

But if by God's grace we will pursue this ideal, we will find a beautiful version of the mutual submission that v21 requires of us. The man will sacrifice his wants and desires to put his wife's needs ahead of his own, and the wife will refuse to demand that her wants and desires be met and instead entrust herself to the husband she believes will love her as he loves himself. When both husband and wife lay their own wants and needs aside in this way, what you end up with is two people living for the other instead of two people living for themselves. And this powerfully illustrates the love Christ has for the church and the service the church offers back to Him.

So as you think about your marriage present, future or even past, consider how it might be used to serve God and His purposes. Consider how you might live to meet your spouse's needs. And make a pointed effort to lay aside your rights, your wants, your desires and seek instead the good of your spouse for the sake of Christ and His church.